Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to be forgiving and compassionate with others other than yourself? How much sooner would you say to others "it's OK, it happens to everyone" and how much time would you spend wondering what you have done wrong, what you could have done better or differently? Still, what you truly need from yourself is exactly what you give to others: acceptance, loving attention, and a reminder, that it is human, to err. Why is this so easy when it comes to others and so difficult when it comes to yourself?, I explore this topic in this article.
Basic emotional needs must be met in childhood and later in adulthood as well. It is important to feel accepted and loved by others even when we make mistakes, simply because to err is human. It is also important not to be compared to others, as this sends the message that we are not good enough. It is also essential to be spontaneous and playful in our lives, instead of solving task after task. It is important to be able to stop and relax, rather than always striving for perfection in any areas of life.
If these basic emotional needs were not met in childhood, and the expectations are always too high, we usually carry the (sometimes unspoken) message that ’I am only acceptable if I complete such and such a task’. We develop an critical inner voice that becomes our biggest pounder. This inner critic seems to be very self-identical, even though no child is born with this kind of inner strictness, it always develops when we are put in a situation where others suggest "you are not enough". If we come across this message, whether spoken or unspoken, many times as children, we will believe in it, we will think that it is true about ourselves and therefore, this will become our default experience.
Why do we believe in this inner voice so stubbornly?
We might believe that our achievements so far are due to this inner critical voice, and if it didn’t exist, we would surely become lazy and not achieve the desired results in our lives. However, this is not the case.
As long as this inner voice says: "you are not good enough; you could do better; you could work harder, even if you give it your best, what does it matter if you feel exhausted, you can do it",
instead, this inner voice could sound like this:
"You are good enough. You can do it, because you're hardworking and persistent. But we all need to get some rest from time to time. This includes you, as well. Tomorrow is another day."
How much better does this sound? We succeed, not because of our harsh inner critic, but despite it. The inner critic only makes us feel stressed, and uncomfortable because of the constant stress it puts on us, and due to this, we are unable to enjoy the fruits of our labor, because when we succeed, the response of this inner critic is usually "that's the bottom line, what’s next?".
What can you do about this inner critic?
It is very difficult to overcome your inner critic on your own, because what it says seems so true. In schema therapy, I can help you see the drawbacks of this mode, and build up a gentler, kinder, motivating voice that doesn’t put you under unbearable pressure and makes you anxious.
