"Quality time" has become a very fashionable concept in recent years, especially since you can document how much fun you're having with others, adorned with stylish pictures on social media. However, quality time means more than just going on a trip, going out for dinner, etc.
Have you ever had an experience where you and your partner or family decided that you were going to have a really good time together, but you still felt social loneliness?
In fact, quality time is not just about choosing a common form of recreation, but it is also about connecting with each other. What makes a meeting with a friend, for example, more special, is when we both listen to each other without interruption and we are mutually curious about what the other person is thinking about or how they are doing.
When we turn to our partner with genuine interest, this is what leads us to maintain meaningful, deep conversations. It is not important whether we're sitting in a fancy restaurant or at home on the couch. Quality time means that our attention is not divided, but focused on the other person. We're not scrolling through Facebook or Instagram, but we're fully engaged with our partner.
Gary Chapman gives some practical ideas in his book "The Five Love Languages", helping you to be fully present when you are with your partner:
1. Keep eye contact with your partner while talking. This helps you to keep your full attention on your partner and stop your mind from wandering. Your partner will feel heard and important to you.
2. If you're watching TV, or doing something else when your partner would like to talk to you, ask them for time to finish what you're doing so that you can give them your full attention afterwards. For example, you could say, "I can tell that you would like to start a conversation that is important for you and I'm interested in the topic, but please let me finish what I'm doing right now. Once I am done, I will give you my full focus and we can talk properly". Your partner will certainly respect your request.
3. Notice your partner's body language. Shaky hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye rolls are all signs that something is bothering them. Ask your partner to explain their current feelings and thoughts and discuss them.
4. Do not interrupt. Research has shown that a person can go an average of 17 seconds without interrupting when the other person is talking. Turn your undivided attention to the other person and do not try to make your own voice heard. When your partner is finished, you can tell them your thoughts as well.
If you consciously pay attention to your partner while they are talking, you will soon notice an improvement in the quality of your relationship. The person who receives this kind of attention will feel important in your presence, and hopefully, they will reciprocate such feelings.
